Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
Commentary reads: "my life was planned out by God, and settled, before I began to be."
Before I began to be....
I am in a dark hospital room right now listening to my dad's labored breathing...his occasional moaning when he whispers "I don't feel good". This is hard to hear.
He is a man that worked harder perhaps then anyone else I know, often working 2 jobs followed by helping with grandpas farming. He cared for us.
I remember the times he refused to budge on what he believed was best for me not allowing me to attend an event so that I could work, my response at least once was to hide in the cornfield.
I remember hearing him calling for me to come home, probably scared I'd run away, when I was actually only a few rows deep.
I remember after arguing with my mom one day he told me she cried herself to sleep, that was all he had to say to get deep remorse from me even as a teen.
I remember the time he tried to teach us kids never to play with firecrackers and it blew up in his face.
We never played with firecrackers.
I remember him trying to fix cars himself to save money and at least once it exploded from wires crossed or gas exposed.
I pay a mechanic.
I remember hearing his dumb beagles howling when storms were coming and people borrowing them to hunt raving about the quality of those dogs.
I have Vern.
I remember he and mom deciding to put my sister and I in private Christian education even though they didn't have the money.
Before the application reached the school, someone donated money in our names to pay our tuition - I learned to step out in faith.
I remember being the last family out of the church building every single week after cleaning following services.
Last weekend at Crossroads my hubby and I turned out the lights.
I remember my whole life watching how much he loved my mom.
My hubby and I celebrate 38 years in September.
And today he's saying, "I'm ready to go to heaven"....
It appears that His Lord may be calling to him soon to end his journey based on the condition of his heart following an apparent heart attack yesterday.
I'm not ready to lose my dad even though he's had 87 years here on earth. Losing someone I love always makes me take a hard look at myself - not fun.
Beginning to say goodbye makes me have to wonder, can people look at my life and understand exactly why God needed to create me?