in my own strength

Every single time I set out to do anything in my own strength I run out of energy, passion and determination quickly, very quickly.

Today I've worked inside all day, a blessing to be home.  One thing I did was re-orgainze my contacts and I am now purging my email.  In my email I saw this week's prayer requests from our congregation. The staff gets them every week.  As I read down through the list I quickly become discouraged, tearful and nearly overwhelmed.  I attempted to read through this list in my own strength.  It was more then I could bear the weight of on my own.

I don't mean to make this sound overly dramatic but I felt deeply for each new person with cancer - their life completely changed with this new diagnosis.  I was in tears as I read that a friend of our congregation lost a 7 month old child this week and still others prayed for addicted children...I cannot imagine that kind of agony!

It was interesting this hit me so hard today, last night I woke in the night contemplating whether 'more' prayers matter.  Isn't that a weird thing to think about?  I know God covets our prayers and so I will always pray.  We don't have to understand everything - why some prayers are answered the way we pray and some not.  I am called to be obedient and follow after God and so I do.

I closed the prayer list after reading through it, and decided I needed to approach the thrown for strength to bear these burdens on behalf of my brothers and sisters in the Lord.  I need Him so!

I don't know if God will choose to answer their prayers the way I hope He does, but regardless, I pray and because of praying I feel myself drawn to the throne and to the only one whose strength is sufficient for all my needs...and yours.  Hard things move us toward Him, things that we cannot solve. Prayer is sometimes all we can do, and sometimes all He asks that we do.  And, when we are weak in Him, only then are we strong!

swallowed by stillness

I have been sitting completely motionless outside and was immediately swallowed by glorious silence for a handful of long summer moments.  A deep exhale and rest has begun.

It is crazy when you sit out this time of the night, you can literally watch it become dark.  Minute by minute it darkens until the earth also rests.

The silence was finally broken by a sudden burst of air through the trees in the woods that lay behind us.  So God broke His own silence - I didn't - how awesome and how unusual.

Maybe I resist stillness because of what it reveals.

The heart and all it longs to reveal is not known in noise, it can stay hidden and unknown for as long as the noise continues. Silence the noise and all is exposed.

Exposure is good.  It allows healing and cleansing and forces honesty.  Only then are we changed.

It seems a contradiction that the same God that wants me to seek rest in Him created this busy mind of mine that constantly struggles to focus and rest.  Ever moving on to something new while wishing to remain in the familiar just a little longer.  He uses my weakness and in it He is glorified - not in my strength for my strength is something I have created and it's false and wanes constantly and then is gone.

Thankfully He takes me as I am and holds me with nail scarred hands - His strength is enough to make even the stillness powerful and fulfilling and transforming.